Gender Rebelle Baby Shower

I’m not the most traditional person, but I do enjoy being center of attention from time to time. So if there’s an excuse for a party in which all my friends gather around me, I’m totally down. Baby showers are a great time to gather friends and family for celebration in community. With family so far away, in New York and England, I think it's likely we’ll have a couple of baby shower events. My family always joke that I grew up having more than one birthday party. A lot of this was to do with my birthday being in late August. We’d often be on vacation in America visiting my grandparents and they would want to throw me a party (1). Then back at home, I’d have some kind of party or sleepover with friends (2), and there was always some kind of family only dinner (3). I kept this tradition alive by having three weddings. We got married in Oakland with 30 family & friends (1), and we had a second ceremony and party at a big lakeside house in Georgia the summer after with 60 extended family & friends (2), and before we left on that trip our roommates –who couldn’t come with us to Georgia– threw us a surprise ceremony in our living room, complete with a rose bouquet, a rose petal aisle to walk down, and the wedding march played on the keyboard (3)! 

With the desire to bring friends together and celebrate our next adventure into parenthood, I reflected on what I really wanted out of this event. I knew I wanted good food and something crafty. I also knew that I definitely did not want it to be a gender reveal. I actually really wanted to host a discussion about raising a child in an overly gendered world. A lot of my friends have gender expressions that are unique to them, that are not considered along the binary or normative. I know that for myself and many of my friends, we’ve explored our gender expression in our adult lives. What would it look like to explore that in our youth? 

In case you want a quick intro to the topic of gender expression, here’s the basics from Medial News Today:

• In general terms, "sex" refers to the biological differences between males and females, such as the genitalia and genetic differences. 
• "Gender" is more difficult to define, but it can refer to the role of a male or female in society, known as a gender role, or an individual's concept of themselves, or gender identity. 
• Sometimes, a person's genetically assigned sex does not line up with their gender identity. These individuals might refer to themselves as transgender, non-binary, or gender-nonconforming.

I also wanted the party to be for me and Steve. Not just a ‘women only’ type event where all attention is on momma. While this was something I really wanted, I knew it would be good for him too because he loves parties and he’s been working so hard on getting our house ready for the baby. Sometimes it’s the pregnant parent who gets a lot of the recognition and support, the questions about how you’re feeling, etc. Steve deserves to feel support from our community too. I asked Steve if he had any thoughts or desires for the shower, but he just wanted me to be happy. He makes it easy.

My friends Catherine and Jasmin offered to host the baby shower. With so much going on before now and the end of the year, we coordinated on dates and landed in early November. I think I was about 18 weeks pregnant. Usually I notice folks have baby showers when they’re much further along and their bumps are pretty big. I have had a few reactions of surprise when I’ve told people we had a shower already. But as you might know from my first post, I don’t really like waiting. Also, I’m pregnant now and I’ll be pregnant then, so why does it matter when to have the shower?!

Catherine and Jas came through! They threw us the best baby shower I could have ever imagined. We had great food, beautiful decorations, a fun craft, and an excellent chat about gender norms and expression.

Theme/Decorations

A lot of times you have a baby shower with blue themed decorations for a male child and pink for a female. That’s definitely not for me. Fortunately, we also didn’t know the sex of our baby before the shower so we couldn’t even subconsciously gender it up! Jasmin was in charge of decorations and did a great job making the house look special for the occasion. She set up beautiful gold and white streamers and balloons filled with gold confetti above the craft table. We had a gold “Baby” balloon sign hanging above the refreshments. And she set up tables in our back yard with tablecloths so that we could enjoy the sunshine of the day. 

We invited our guests to “dress fancy” and wear hats. Similar to what you might wear to afternoon tea in London. I actually had a great hat that Catherine bought for me when we had a friend date to a British tea room in San Francisco earlier this year. I love an excuse to wear it! We had extra hats for anyone who didn’t have their own, but also weren’t forcing people to wear hats!

The Food.

I think food at parties is very important. I wanted an afternoon tea vibe, I love bringing out my British. Catherine made tiny little sandwiches with cucumber and cream cheese. She even found Branston Pickle, so we could enjoy classic cheese & pickle sandwiches! We had a tiered stand of sandwiches, and one of cakes and treats. My friend Mary arrived early and made lemon bars. I made Victoria Sponge cupcakes with a cream and jam filling. We had scones, and an impressive cheese board. It was all delightfully accompanied by a loose leaf tea bar. Turns out most people enjoyed hard seltzer or beers in the sunny afternoon. But I loved the tea bar!

The Craft

Our house is always pretty crafty. At most of our parties we put out a crafts table for some of our most introverted friends. It gives you something to do so you don’t have to make small talk with a hundred new people. Or at least you have something to discuss when you do meet a new friend! I wanted a fun baby related activity, and had heard about people decorating bibs or baby onesies. So I pitched that idea to Catherine and she thought it would be great. She provided a bunch of different fabric paint tools, including spray paint, marker pens, and watercolor paints. Jas set up the table with the painting tools, including stencils for shapes and lettering. 

During the party, guests took turns picking out a white short-sleeve onesie and decorating it with a message or image of their choice. We had different sizes from 0 to 12 months. Each person made a beautiful design. Some of them have funny sayings and inside jokes. My favorites include “Mark Jones is a Dork,” “Unicorn in Training,” and “Ran out of womb.” There are also some beautiful pieces of art from my art-talented friends! Steve and I now have 30 colorful unique onesies with love and excitement decorated into every piece. I can’t wait to dress my child and be reminded of the support of our friends!

A few of the designs!

As an extra treat, they created a rainbow of streamers in our backyard that served as a backdrop for a photo/video project that my roommate Slam spearheaded. When I did the week-long AIDS/Lifecycle (San Francisco to LA), my friends had shared a Google Drive folder of video messages to encourage me each day. It was seriously hard to find time to watch them every day because it was always go-go-go. I finally watched them when I took a day off the ride to rest so that I could ride the last day and finish in LA with my team. Friends cheering me on, telling me they were proud of me, and singing me songs made up to the tune of “How Far I’ll Go” brought me to tears on the bus that took me from Lompoc to Ventura. Slam remembered this and wanted me to feel similar support during those challenging, sleep deprived days ahead! So she took photos of friends sharing encouraging messages on a white board, and videos of people giving us support and advice. We haven’t watched them all, we’re saving them for when we need them the most! 

Slam, Mary, Catherine, CrAsh, & Mason

Julie, Molly, & Jas

The Gender Rebelle

After a few hours of crafting, eating and drinking, we all gathered together in the backyard to talk about gender. Jasmin kicked us off by inviting guests to share thoughts they had on this topic, as well as their own gender reflections from childhood. We had mentioned this intention in the invitation, so people were ready! It was really amazing to hear our friends discuss this topic and to reflect on their own experience of childhood. Some friends expressed a desire to use gender-neutral pronouns with their child if/when they have one so that the decision around gender identity is up to the child to express when they eventually decide. Another friend made a great point that sticks in my mind, that if you go too far in trying to “de-gender” your child, then when they get to school and are surrounded by “gendered” kids, they might feel like the odd one out and want to confirm to “girls like pink and boys like blue” even more. Their own gender rebellion! 

Our friends asked Steve and I what plans we had for dealing with gender. We haven’t had many of these discussions just yet, but both of us align on the idea that a kid should be supported in exploring their own gender expression. As a parent, I want to be open and flexible so that my child has the freedom to express  their gender in whatever way they want, whenever they want. My role isn’t to control, structure, or limit, but to expose them to options, create an environment that they can explore, and just to be supportive of whatever direction they take. 

Our gender chat in the back yard.

Ultimately gender is a social construct. What’s feminine or masculine fluctuates and changes over time. The idea that pink is more feminine was definitely not true even a hundred years ago when pink frilly shirts were seen as very masculine. I personally like the idea that you don’t have to be one or the other. That you can move along the spectrum of gender. Sometimes, I like to dress and feel feminine and other times I lean into a more masculine vibe in my clothing style (clothing isn’t the only form of gender expression, but of course is a strong way we communicate our identities to the world). I loved wearing shirts and ties to work (when I worked in DC, the dress code was more formal than in California!). I remember one male colleague saying “I’m not sure I like the tie look”, as he sat there wearing his own shirt and tie. I remember asking him why not, but he didn’t have an answer. The answer was really that society has told him men wear shirt and ties, women wear skirts and dresses, and he’s never questioned that.

I honestly think it was the best baby shower I could have ever hoped for. It was like a turning point in my pregnancy. The first trimester was rough, and the tension around changing the vibe of our group house, plus working two jobs was a lot. It wasn’t really until the shower that I was able to really celebrate and get excited about being pregnant. Most of the time my mind goes to logistics and planning. The baby shower gave me a chance to really reflect on the new adventure Steve and I are taking together. And it honestly brings me to tears thinking about the support from our community. With both our families so far away, we’re so blessed to have a network of friends excited for us and ready to support us in whatever way they can. They offered babysitting, meals, an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on. It makes me feel way more secure! 

Big shout out of appreciation to Catherine & Jasmin for the planning and preparation, to Mary and Mason for doing a lot of the clean-up, for Slam taking photos and videos, and to Jaime and KJ for coming down from Portland for the party! And so much love to everyone who came over, and to those who couldn’t make it but have shown your support and love in other ways.