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Goodnight Dad

It was recently father’s day and I wanted to write about my parenting partner, my husband Steve. But, you know I have a tiny child so I missed the “deadline”. This is fine though, because I truly believe Steve’s gender identity doesn’t define how great of a parent he is. 
I also can’t be the judge of his skill as a dad, that’s for Max to decide. I can, however, share my reflections and gratitude for him as a co-parent.

Steve & Max, hanging in the kitchen.
I can’t imagine these past 3 months without Steve. I have a ton of respect and admiration for single parents. To spend every day at capacity, with few breaks, and nights full of waking up to feed. When do they eat? Who is there to cook for them? Who is there to hold the baby when all they want is to shower, or take a walk outside, or eat food in peace? These parents are made of something else, something so much stronger than I can imagine. 
I could list so many things that Steve has done to support me and care for Max. One of the biggest ways he has shown up for me is by being fiercely optimistic, encouraging, and supportive. 
When Max lost 12.1% of his body weight by day 3, I felt so responsible. After all, I was his food source, and I thought I was failing him. Steve was constantly reminding me of what a great job I was doing. It was hard for me to believe him. When we would talk to maternity support workers, midwives, a pediatrician or breastfeeding consultants, they would all say I was doing a great job. Steve would say, “Thank you! That’s what I keep telling her.” For some reason, I just found it hard to believe anybody. I thought, if I was doing such a good job, why isn’t my baby gaining enough weight or back at birth weight yet? Surely I must be doing something wrong, or not doing enough.
Steve and I clashed slightly when I was really reluctant to give Max formula. At first we gave him small amounts, but after two and a half weeks a pediatrician instructed us to feed him much more because he still wasn’t back at birth weight. I was hoping we could phase it out at some point. (Feelings about breastfeeding and formula are super personal. I didn’t expect to struggle so much with not being able to exclusively breastfeed, still processing. I don’t judge anyone who has chosen/had to formula feed their baby. Fed is best.)
I wanted to boost my supply to be able to exclusively breastfeed. There are lots of ways you can attempt to do this. Feeding frequently, pumping, and feeding through the night are important elements. It was a cycle of feeding (nursing and bottle) for almost an hour, settling Max to sleep, pumping for 20 minutes, then doing it again an 1.5-2 hours later. All day, all night. 
Steve could see that my efforts were causing symptoms of postpartum depression. Even after the usual “baby blues” that come within the first week or two, I would wake up some days and just cry all day, feeling miserable. He knew it wasn’t sustainable, and it wasn’t helping Max. My supply was not increasing.
We argued because I felt like he wasn’t supporting me in my desire to breastfeed. He was hurt by this because he was doing everything he could to support me and keep Max healthy. The cost of exclusively breastfeeding (or trying to get there) was too high for both my mental health and Max’s health.
I couldn’t do it all, so Steve helped me identify my priorities and make a plan. I had to let go of pumping every feed to take more time for relaxing, especially at night because it added so much time to being awake. Steve hand wrote a list of prompts we discussed and stuck it up on the wall in my bedroom. Every day I would look at it and remind myself of my own priorities. If I was able to say I had done all of these things, or most of them, I could tell myself I was doing enough.
Am I doing everything I can?
  • What should I eat to fuel my body? 
  • How can I relax and increase Oxytocin?
    • Comfy spaces
    • No phone
    • Gratitude
  • Have I worked with Max on tongue exercises? (after we had tongue tie corrected there were exercises to prevent it healing back the way it was)
  • Did I prioritize breastfeeding 11pm - 4am? (apparently best way to boost supply, because at night is when you make more milk)
  • Did I pump at least 4 times a day? (a compromise to doing it every feed and during the night)
  • Did I sleep in the evening (before 11pm), in the morning (after first feed), and take one good nap?
Family photo. Me, Max, and Steve.

I look back and I realize that Steve was right. Even with all the efforts of expressing, and feeding frequently, and the tongue tie correction, Max was never full from me. My supply never seemed to increase. We needed the formula. And honestly, I needed sleep. 
Steve had my back. He stepped up big time to take care of both me and Max. He made a huge effort to hear, understand, and empathize with my feelings around breastfeeding. He believed in me. In my abilities as a mother. He believed that I was a great mom, whether I was breastfeeding or not. 
When I was down (which was hella often), he comforted me and found ways to pick up more of the work with Max. My mom remarked that we make a great team, and I agree. I couldn’t wish for a better co-parent. Everything Steve did, and still does, for me is also for Max. When I’m rested, fed, and happy, I can be a better mom. 

This experience hasn’t only introduced us both to a new role - parenting- but has strengthened our relationship with each other. We’ve learned, to a sharper degree, the signs that the other’s patience is wearing thin and we know how to step up to give that person a break. We communicate well and have a deeper appreciation for each other. I’m sure the strength of our partnership will continue to benefit Max in many ways.

Mini-Steve

x

Other ways Steve has rocked as a co-parent:
Steve remembers the song that played when Max was born.
In the early weeks, he took shifts when Max was fussy at night so that I could get a few hours of decent sleep between feeds.
He always brought me water and snacks when I was breastfeeding.
When I wanted comfort, he would cuddle with me as I fell asleep at 8pm, even though he was staying up later.
He always gets up in the early hours of the morning if the baby vomits on me!
He has handwritten me notes, telling me he’s proud of me and encouraging me to recognize how well I’m doing.
He encourages me to exercise and finds a way to give me the time and space I need to do it.
He takes the baby monitor “to work” when I need to nap, so that Max’s little sleep noises don’t keep me awake and on edge!
He anticipates my needs and offers support even before I’ve asked for help.

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