Goodnight Mom

If you haven’t read my previous post about the risks of a trial of labor after cesarean compared to having a second cesarean, it might provide greater context to this post . To summarize, I was told by my doctor that if I wanted to try a vaginal birth I would have a 61% chance of it being successful.  Sometimes referred to as TOLAC (trial of labor after cesarean) and VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean). In part one, I laid out the medical risks and my thoughts about them. I think deeply about my decisions, and this is one I have taken very seriously. I have laid out the risks pretty clearly for myself, and some seem more real and more threatening than others (the thought of a uterine rupture is much more graphically scary than the concept of post-surgical infection). But there are other factors that I’m also considering, beyond the medical risks.   For example, how it could impact having more children? Whichever decision I make, the outcome may have repercussions on the a...

  On August 7th, I put Max down for his morning nap, grabbed my breast pump and sat on the sofa. I looked at the pump and suddenly was filled with dread. I really didn’t want to do this again. It was such a drag to sit there for 20 minutes for the smallest amount of milk. Such a bore, so much effort. Was it really worth it to keep going? At this point, for a number of reasons, I had stopped nursing Max and was only pumping twice a day. I wasn’t getting much milk. Every two days I had enough to feed him a full bottle. I was over it. It didn’t feel worthwhile. I started to cry. It was so hard to give this up, even at this scaled back point. I realized that I wanted to, so badly, but I felt immense guilt over not giving Max breastmilk for at least the first 6 months of his life. It brought up all the pain I experienced in the first few weeks (months in fact) of his life when I realized I wouldn’t be able to fully breastfeed Max. I texted my friend, my mom and my sisters for support. T...