Goodnight Mom

It’s been a while since I posted anything on this blog. When I’m done working and taking care of the kids and cleaning up our mess for the day, getting on my computer to write about my thoughts and feelings is the last thing I’ve wanted to do. Instead, I’ve gone to the gym, had dinner with friends, or watched The Crown on Netflix, or wandered into the rabbit hole of obsessing over & consuming all things Meghan and Harry (I’m done with that though!).  But, I do love this blog. The outlet it’s given me to express myself about parenthood. The impact it’s had on the folks who read it. (Thank you, by the way, for reading and to those of you who have reached out to respond). So, I have returned to write about something controversial but weighing on my mind. Parenting young kids kind of sucks. In my opinion. If I had $1 for every person who told me we were in the “best years of our lives” or the “best time” of parenthood, I would be able to pay for full time childcare until they both ...

This post was drafted a few weeks ago, in late January. Going into the final month of my pregnancy, I found it challenging at times to get excited about it, which I think is what people expect. It can be exciting. It can also be daunting and generally exhausting. I definitely was looking forward to no longer carrying around a heavy baby in my belly, and the aches and pains that came with that!  But getting excited about having a new baby was not as accessible.  A fun photo from our NYE party As we draw closer to meeting baby#2, some friends, and even Steve, have asked me what I’m excited about. I found this question particularly difficult to answer in this past month. It’s not that I’m not excited, but there has been so much else to think about that my ability to get into a place of excitement has been a challenge. At the start of the year, we grappled with the decision over our dog Porter’s end of life. Max had an exposure to COVID-19 again from a daycare buddy (thankfully, M...

Needless to say, Steve and I didn’t expect to have a baby at the onset of a global pandemic. I imagined months of Max crawling around circles of my closest friends. Of nights where he slept through the noise while we partied in the basement below. Of day trips and adventures to places and other people’s houses. Playdates with other moms & babies.  The pandemic took away a lot of things that make life really enjoyable. Being around friends, sharing meals, being in crowds of strangers, feeling a sense of community at a local park, farmers’ market, or art museum.  For me, it was very challenging that the beginning of the pandemic - when we knew very little about covid - coincided with the beginning of becoming a Mom - when I knew very little about babies! Note - I took inspiration for the title of this post from collaborative writing project, Born In Lockdown , a collection of experiences from over 200 women who became mothers in 2020. Baby Moon Before Max was born, I had rea...

As a new mom, one of the things I really struggled with for a while (and I know I’m not alone here) was figuring out how to help Max get the sleep he needed. His overnight sleep seemed to fall into place nicely. The hours between feeds stretched out until eventually he was only waking up once or twice. Finally he could be settled without a bottle. Since about 3 months old he has slept 11-12 hours a night. His naps, however, have been more challenging. When Max was born, I had no idea what to expect in terms of sleep. I was told that he would follow a routine of eating, sleeping, eating, sleeping, etc. And that gradually, as he would get older, he would have more time in there for play and “tummy time.” Eat. Play. Sleep. Repeat. And so it goes. Wake Windows  I looked to bloggers and Instagram moms for advice. Many talk about “awake windows” -- this is the appropriate amount of awake time between naps for your child and it varies by age. When they’re newborn, it’s something like 45 m...

  On August 7th, I put Max down for his morning nap, grabbed my breast pump and sat on the sofa. I looked at the pump and suddenly was filled with dread. I really didn’t want to do this again. It was such a drag to sit there for 20 minutes for the smallest amount of milk. Such a bore, so much effort. Was it really worth it to keep going? At this point, for a number of reasons, I had stopped nursing Max and was only pumping twice a day. I wasn’t getting much milk. Every two days I had enough to feed him a full bottle. I was over it. It didn’t feel worthwhile. I started to cry. It was so hard to give this up, even at this scaled back point. I realized that I wanted to, so badly, but I felt immense guilt over not giving Max breastmilk for at least the first 6 months of his life. It brought up all the pain I experienced in the first few weeks (months in fact) of his life when I realized I wouldn’t be able to fully breastfeed Max. I texted my friend, my mom and my sisters for support. T...