It’s been a while since I posted anything on this blog. When I’m done working and taking care of the kids and cleaning up our mess for the day, getting on my computer to write about my thoughts and feelings is the last thing I’ve wanted to do. Instead, I’ve gone to the gym, had dinner with friends, or watched The Crown on Netflix, or wandered into the rabbit hole of obsessing over & consuming all things Meghan and Harry (I’m done with that though!).
But, I do love this blog. The outlet it’s given me to express myself about parenthood. The impact it’s had on the folks who read it. (Thank you, by the way, for reading and to those of you who have reached out to respond). So, I have returned to write about something controversial but weighing on my mind.
Parenting young kids kind of sucks. In my opinion.
If I had $1 for every person who told me we were in the “best years of our lives” or the “best time” of parenthood, I would be able to pay for full time childcare until they both turn 5! Surely those people just have selective memory, to forget all the frustrating parts of raising young kids.
First of all, it’s exhausting. We have had great childcare for the past few months - a live-in au pair who works an average of 40 hours a week. And I still found it exhausting! But I know that it’s all phases: sometimes it’s a mess and then a week later it’s smooth sailing again.
Max went through a phase of not going to bed. He would keep getting up and opening the bedroom door. Sometimes it took over an hour after his bedtime routine to get him settled. By the time he was asleep, I was pretty much ready for bed too! Especially because he also started a habit of waking up in the middle of the night and calling for us. Even my night of sleep is not my own time.
Secondly, we’re always getting sick! First Max brings home something from daycare. He’s sick for a few days so we can’t send him to school, we have to cancel seeing our friends, and we get run down. Finally we catch the bug and we’re sick and still taking care of kids, and we still can’t see our friends. Eventually, it passes but it can take weeks for all of us to be free from germs with the energy and enthusiasm to have fun!
I’ve been going through a phase of trying to warn my no-kids-yet friends. Hang out with mine instead! I plead. Don’t do this to yourself! I miss having so much free time to do whatever I want. Now nap schedules, feeding times, and child behavior factors into decisions about what we do and how. And, it really helps to plan things in advance, but a lot of other people don’t have fun like that!
When my mom came to visit at the end of December she picked up on my pessimistic attitude towards parenting. “You seem tired and a little depressed, let’s get you some vitamins,” she suggested as we shopped at Whole Foods. She filled the cart with multivitamin pills and B12 drops. And honestly, I did actually feel better. More energy, a little more enthusiasm.
Steve had also been picking up on the vibe. “You need a break,” he said. “Why don’t you go away for a few days?” So I did. In January, I took a quick trip to see friends in Portland. I slept 8 hours each night. I didn’t worry about my children. I had a lot of fun. I really love simple things, like having dinner with friends, talking about nonsense. Anything that gets my mind off all the things I have to think about as a parent.
Steve and I were both just able to get a break when we went to Puerto Rico for a friends wedding. We had four days away from the kids and it was beautiful. We didn't have to worry about their schedules, or getting them food they needed. We were able to enjoy all the wedding events - including a full day bachelor/ette party. And we got to sit on the beach, read a book, swim in the ocean, and drink from a coconut. Bliss. Just because I chose to have kids, doesn't mean I should have to miss out on such relaxation! I just know it means I get to have it less and it comes at a cost.
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| Taking a walk at 6am because, jet lag. |
Teeth are not for biting
Before Christmas, Max bit a kid at daycare and it was so bad it broke the skin. We had a meeting with the teachers. They gave us advice on phrases to use to remind Max teeth are not for biting. They recommended books to purchase to reinforce the lessons. They told us that in these situations if it continues to happen they have to start thinking about asking a student to leave the school.
After that, every time my phone pinged with a notification from the school I panicked. “Oh Max, what have you done now?” Sometimes he had bitten again, sometimes he had scratched or hit. And honestly, sometimes he was the one getting hurt - that was a relief! But oh, um, yes poor Max.
I know that there’s only so much we could do as parents. That some of it is to do with the environment, and a toddler’s inability to use words to express himself. Max is getting really good at it. When he’s upset, sometimes he will squeeze his fists and say “teacher, I’m upset!” and he takes a moment for himself. We see him being better at home with Nico as well. Max will ask us to move Nico instead of just lashing out at him.
We’re also trying to pick Max up earlier, so he spends less time in school. Maybe that will help. He’s still so young, and the long days were probably making him very tired. By the end of the day he didn’t have the patience to handle his emotions around sharing toys. I know how that feels!
That’s been pretty stressful, to worry about his behavior potentially causing him to lose a place at daycare. Our au pair is also leaving because she doesn’t like Oakland (I will post about our experience with an au pair another time!). So we’re back again trying to figure out the puzzle of childcare and my work schedule.
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| Holding Nico for a nap because he wouldn't settle the first day at grandma's house. |
It just feels like since having kids there is always some big decision we have to make or something important to figure out. I’d like some time where everything’s just working out and we can enjoy ourselves! On top of that you need a deep never ending well of patience to handle multiple tantrums and whining of a toddler. Especially when it’s three in the morning and you just want him to go back to sleep!
Of course I love my kids. And I know that there are many people who cannot have children, or who have them but have been separated from them. So I am fortunate in many ways. It’s also hard, and exhausting at times. And I wanted to write all this because so often we focus on the joys of parenthood.
I’m sure in 10 years I’ll look at my snotty pre-teens and think, gosh you used to be cute babies. And I’ll think fondly of the times they came to cuddle me often, the way their faces lit up when they saw me.
I asked my sisters, “does it get any easier?” (ok actually, I first asked “do you guys ever regret having kids?”).
Izy, with a 6 and 11 year old, said, “It never gets easier, just different enjoyments and different pains.”
Sally, with a 9 and 13 year old, said, “Every mom has these feelings. Kids can bring out the best and worst in us!”
I wonder, if I had seen this kind of post, or had heard more about how hard and exhausting parenting can be, would I have still chosen to have my own kids? Or would I have prioritized being number one aunty to my own nieces and nephews? Our society is so focused on nuclear families, but Steve and I would love it if our friends were more involved in our kids' lives. If they wanted to build a relationship with Max and Nico.
I think Max and Nico would benefit from learning from and trusting more adults than just their parents. I also think Steve and I would benefit from a break! And having more people in our lives who know our kids and can help us out in a pinch. We had more of that when we lived at the Fishbowl, but less now that we live alone.
It’s hard to figure out how to facilitate that kind of relationship. With our friend Catherine it was built up over time with them just being around often and taking Max out on adventures alone. He trusts them and talks about them a lot. He will often include “Caty” in stories when Max, Mommy and Daddy go on adventures together. It’s not often that people without kids actually want to spend their free time with children. I try to make an open invitation to any of our friends who mention wanting to!
Steve came up with a saying that I liked: I love my kids, but I hate being a parent. Maybe hate is too strong a word! Dislike. I dislike being a parent. And, as with any feeling, it’s just a phase. It comes and goes. Sometimes I’m content and happy. Sometimes I’m fed up and over it. This is my blog post about being over it!
So, I just try and tell my friends who are having kids, or want to, that they just need to be prepared for it to suck just as much as it brings them joy!
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