My kids are toddlers and they have big feelings. Big fucking feelings. Both of them at age 3 and 1 are expressing those emotions on levels that seem absurd to me. One minute they’re running back and forth laughing and screaming with joy together. The next they’re fighting over a toy, and whoever loses acts like their whole tiny life is over.
This is normal. It’s normal for toddlers to have big feelings, and it’s absolutely normal that they don’t know how to handle it. And do you know what else is normal? That I don’t know how to handle it.
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| Little Monster |
An Example…
A few weeks ago, I picked up Max and Nico from school/daycare and we had a good time on the long car ride home (30 mins, they get a snack). Once in the house, we played for a while and then I began to make dinner. I told Max he could watch his favorite show - Spidey and his Amazing Friends - while we ate. Sometimes this helps get him to the table and actually eat.
When I sat down with them to eat, Max decided he didn’t like his meal. Spaghetti, something he’d eaten many times before. I paused his show and explained (not for the first time) that I would pause the show if he wasn’t eating. This usually gets him to take a few bites. This night, he tipped his plate over spilling dinner all over the table.
I racked my brain: what have I learned about setting boundaries for toddlers? Establish my boundary for behaviors.
“Max, I cannot let you throw your food. I cannot turn on the show when you don’t eat. You can leave the table, or I will come over and bring you to the living room to calm down”
He started crying for his show and reaching for the laptop. I picked him up and took him to the living room. I try to acknowledge his feelings and provide some support for him to self regulate.
“Hey Max, I can see you’re upset right now. I can’t let you throw food or hit mommy’s laptop. Let’s take a deep breath together, that usually helps us feel better.”
Max kept screaming. After trying to provide him comfort and suggesting he eat a little to feel better, I decided to give him space and went back to the table. Nico was eating happily. Suddenly, Max stood up and threw over the two kiddie chairs in their play space.
“Max, I cannot let you do that, we do not throw furniture. You could hurt yourself or the furniture”
This sounds so stupid and I kind of felt like it was, but I was trying so hard to figure out the right way to tell him off that establishes my boundaries around what’s allowed. I saw it on Instagram, ok? That’s where I get a lot of parenting ideas.
Anyway, I go over to pick him up as he turns the table over and throws it against the shelves. He is 3 you guys. Where did this strength come from?? (it’s a very lightweight kids table)
I’m holding him and I just don’t know what to do. What can I do? Where do I take him? Where do I put him? I’m so nervous, I know I’m bigger than him and I don’t want to use physical force with my kid but I had to stop him throwing the furniture around. So now I’m holding him and I’m so frustrated by his behavior and I’m panicking. Where do we go from here? I don’t know what to do.
He started to claw at me.
“No, we don’t hurt mommy. Stop, Max! Just stop!” I start yelling and drop him to the floor. Leaving him to continue crying.
Nico picks up a handful of spaghetti and throws it on the floor. I sigh and walk over to start cleaning it up. He decides to throw his fork too, it hits me right in the face, knocking my glasses off (luckily my glasses block it from hitting me in the eye).
“FUUUUUCK!!!!” I have an outburst when the fork hits me. “URRRGHHHH!” I yell at the floor as I pick up my glasses.
I take a deep breath. I say something like “OK, Mommy is getting upset and now I need to take a deep breath and calm down.” I always try to demonstrate awareness of my own emotions and needs for a break.
Nico sits smiling at the mess he made, unphased by me. I cleaned him up and let him out of his seat at the table. My scream, at least, stopped Max’s wailing. The two of them started to play nicely together like NOTHING had even happened. The audacity!!
I sit on the floor with my back against the wall and begin to cry. Here are some thoughts that race through my mind:
I’ll be cleaning up food from this floor for the rest of my life.
I don’t want to do this, it’s always going to be this hard.
I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing.
What did I do wrong that led to his behavior?
Why is he so chill now?!
I don’t like being a mom.
At that point, Steve’s final meeting ends and he “commutes” down the stairs to join us. I don’t really remember much but I know the boys were crowded by me as I continued to cry. I think Nico was hitting me with a soft toy, being playful for attention. I was just crying, trying to play but being so over it.
Steve made me a cup of tea, handed me my dark chocolate and told me to escape to the basement. I was off duty for the rest of the night. I did, however, make sure I spent some time with Max before bed. I didn’t want to make him feel bad, to have him think it was his fault. So I apologized to him for getting so upset at dinner and made sure I gave him affection. Before he went to bed, he hugged me and said “I love you mom”. He seemed unaffected.
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| Even they like to hide under a blanket sometimes. |
The lesson
OK, so I learned that I have big fucking feelings too.
Honestly, the past few months have been a very stressful time. We’ve moved across the country and away from our friends. The time change and my early bedtime makes it really difficult to stay in touch with my best friends. Even though we’ve made some new connections and I’ve loved being closer to Steve’s family, it’s been kind of lonely.
Other stressful factors included some challenges with our landlords with regard to repairs to the house we’re renting, difficulty selling our Oakland house due to mortgage rates and the neighborhood’s reputation, both Steve and I getting so sick we needed antibiotics - and I also needed a steroid to kick my sinus infection. And this story is from the early part of October, in the days following the Hamas attack on Israel, and Israel beginning its full force retaliation. I know I’m not alone in feeling deeply upset and unsettled by what’s happening in that part of the world. It has a direct impact on people I care a lot about.
My point is, I think in general it has been a period of high stress, lower capacity for patience when my kids scream and cry for what seems to be no apparent reason, and when my best attempts to “do what’s right” blows up in my face.
The Solution
I’ve also learned that there isn’t a perfect solution to my toddler’s big fucking feelings, or to mine.
I thought maybe I needed therapy. I don’t have any outlet to process how I’m feeling about being a mom. About anything that’s stressing me out. So, Steve helped me find one.
Every time I explained how my kids would sometimes push me to a point where I just wanted to implode, the therapist I met with would tell me how to parent differently. She’d say things like “kids need boundaries, have you tried doing XYZ…” This ended up making me feel like I was a bad parent, just doing it all wrong. Also, half the stuff she suggested I did often do, or at least had tried to do.
What I needed instead was empathy. Something like: Yeah, kids are really challenging. All kids do this type of behavior and no parents get it exactly right all of the time. I see that you’re trying really hard to do what’s right for your kids. It’s not easy. What types of strategies have worked to stop you getting to breaking point? How do we get you in a more resilient position when things do get chaotic? What do you need?
There are absolutely times when tantrums are happening left and right and I’m the cool, calm, collected one. I have patience like no other. But it does have its limits. I accept that there will always be chaos and moments that push me. And, it’s important for me to continuously recognize when my breaking point is coming and how to put self-care routines in place to prevent it from getting so bad.
(Top tip: Steve wears ear plugs on weekend mornings, he can still hear but it takes the edge off)
I also realized that I would like more support in my parenting skills. More knowledge and understanding so that I could think about how to strategically apply the techniques over time. And importantly, for Steve and I to align on this and both practice the same parenting style.
Months ago, I had purchased an online course by two parent coaches, Big Little Feelings, about the toddler years. It helped when Max was waking up multiple times a night and driving us crazy. He had stopped doing that and I didn’t prioritize watching the rest of the course. I decided to go back to it recently.
Right away it validates that all toddlers are BANANAS and that you have to actively think differently than you’re used to in order to help them safely navigate the big mixed up world. That often parents make mistakes. That I’m not alone.
I took a break from that course to write this blog post! So, I will get back to it and I’ll take time over the next few weeks to watch parts of it with Steve and discuss where we could improve together.
I do sometimes think, my parents didn’t have a parenting coaching course or anything like that. And they did ok! So, maybe I should just continue to do whatever I think is best. But, I naturally am the type of person who gravitates towards “experts” and wants to know what the “right” thing to do is. I’ve mentioned that before.
My mom reminded me recently that I’m the most important person in the whole world to these two kids. And when I think about that, it makes me cry. It’s scary to have that responsibility, and I want so much to do the best I can for them. I want them to always feel safe, loved and supported by me. I want to give them the tools to enjoy life and be nice to themselves and to others.
To me, learning what I can about child development is important to be the best parent I can be. And I’m going to accept that sometimes the best parent I can be loses her shit, cries on the floor, and wants it all to be over. Nothing that a good cup of tea, a piece bar of dark chocolate and a break can’t fix.
I want to be transparent about my parenting experience. These are the moments I hate the most. When I don’t feel good at it. When I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing and therefore must be a bad mom.
I’m trying hard, and I know I’m a good mom. I just want to be better at it. I want it to feel easier.
If you’re a parent of young kids and this resonates with you, I want you to know that it’s OK to not have it all together, to lose it sometimes, to hate it sometimes. You’re trying too. It’s not all sunshine. We’re going to be OK.
P.S. This feels like this is a part two for my earlier blog post "Opinion: Parenting Kind of Sucks" so I'm linking it here!
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