Goodnight Mom

“Are you really happy now that you have your own baby, like mommy and Aunty Sally?” my niece Chloe (8) asked recently.  “Yeah, it’s nice,” I replied, wondering to myself if I really meant it.  It was the idea that now I have a baby, am I happy? I was pretty happy before. It’s not like having a baby of my own made all my dreams come true. Having a baby didn’t make me feel suddenly complete. But, after a rocky start , I have felt a lot happier lately. I am filled with a sense of love and happiness when just the sight of my face makes Max beam a big smile. And I can tell you now, he is the cutest baby in the whole word ever. ;-) It wasn’t always like that though. I’ve read accounts from new parents describing the overwhelming rush of love they experienced when their baby was born. I see photos on social media with smiling parents snuggled together, a tiny baby between them. Captions describe how in love and blessed they are. Their babies are perfectly wrapped up in ador...

This photo was taken when Max was one week old. We celebrated by making box-brownies (aka ready-to-go, in a box, brownie kit), which I decorated with writing icing. A large pink “1” surrounded by hearts and stars. Of course it was more for me than for Max, or anyone else. I needed to celebrate. I needed to eat a ton of gooey delicious brownies! The first week had been difficult. More than that. It was traumatic. It’s painful to look back, to really remember. After bringing Max home from the hospital we were in a whirlwind trying to figure out what he needed at any given moment. Feed, change, try to put down to sleep. Repeat. After one night alone in the hospital , I was grateful to be with Steve and my parents at home. It was comforting to be next to Steve during the night and have his support.  Exhausted Max fed often, day and night. He was especially awake at night. He would have 45 min - 1 hour naps and wake up hungry again.This is normal for newborn babies. Somet...

After 9 long months, ish, 38 weeks plus 6 days to be specific, Max was born by cesarean section on March 18. In general, it was a relatively easy-going experience. I was certainly nervous beforehand, and surprised at how easy it all was. I got a kick out of the anesthetic, of not being able to wiggle my toes or move my legs no matter how hard my brain tried. Steve played great music on our bluetooth speaker that made me very relaxed, and even the doctors complimented. And at the end of it we had our little baby out in the world, and he was healthy and I was healthy.  I wanted to write about the experience so I could remember it in the future. It’s taken me weeks to write this blog post. Probably the reason it’s so long is I haven’t written it in one sitting, but keep coming back to it when I can find the time and motivation. It tells the story of the birth, and the first day of our baby’s life. Next I really want to write about the first few weeks of being a mom, and how unb...