Body Talk

OK, it’s time for the obligatory body image blog post. 

Before discovering I was pregnant, I had been going to the gym regularly. I was motivated. The gym was close to work and I could go swimming on my lunch break. I used YouTube videos to guide my full body workouts. My husband Steve and our friend Greg joined another gym closer to home, and their activity encouraged me as well. I had put on nearly 10lb from a 3 week vacation in England (thank you Cadbury’s). I was uncomfortable in my clothes; it didn’t feel great. I just wanted to reset my eating habits and my exercise habits to lead a more energetic life.  And it was working! In two months I lost my vacation weight. My arms were looking more toned and I really loved the curves at my waist and hips. Yes, I still had my belly. Til death do us part. I love that little squish (mostly!), regardless of what mainstream society tells me to think about it.

After months of working out I felt confident to ride my bike around Long Beach Island on the 4th in just a bikini top and shorts! Mmm and treat myself to ice cream. 

Body image is a strange thing for me– perhaps for everyone, but I don’t want to assume. I’ve gone through ups and downs, resilient times and self-destructive times. And I’ve been witness to the body image struggles and experiences of friends and family members. Here are some experiences and daily practices that have strengthened my ability to love my body, even when I hate it.

• I don’t read magazines. Okay, that’s a lie, I subscribe to National Geographic. But I don’t read those fashion or celebrity gossip magazines. The ones with millions of adverts for things you probably don’t need and billions of airbrushed photoshopped photos of wrinkle-free, paper thin humans. I stopped doing this in my early 20s and it made a noticeable difference. And now that Google, Facebook & Instagram get to advertise in my face I have to find ways to be even more resilient! Well, nothing helps dismiss societal expectations of beauty standards than gaining a deeper understanding and appreciation for different societies and cultures around the world. Thanks NatGeo! Images from around the world remind me that the “perfect body” is just a socially constructed idea.
• Meaningful, guided workshops with my community. FemEx, a community class of female and trans identified folks, gave me a safe space to explore body image with a community of people who shared their own body and gendered experiences. These discussions challenged me. They invited me to explore concepts, thoughts, and feelings that I had never thought about before. While I thought all my co-participants were beautiful in different ways, we all had something about our body that we thought wasn’t good enough. “But you’re stunning!” I would think to myself as they shared their internal fears and disappointments. We’re too big, too small, we have too much hair, not enough hair, we’ve got a strange nose or the wrong skin tone. Many of these insecurities are brought on by repeatedly seeing a narrow type of body portrayed in popular media. The “ideal body.” Of course there’s intersectionality when it comes to standards of beauty: race, gender, sexuality, disability, ethnicity and more come into play. For instance, women of color have experienced a greater deal of disrespect, exclusion, and oppression of their bodies than white women. FemEx was a community where we could be open and honest with our thoughts, and share our tips for self-love. It really helped me build stronger self-confidence. A confidence that is backed up and supported by a fierce community of friends.
• I pay attention to who I follow! Following the right instagram accounts is key. Let me just say that being pregnant, Google knows. Yeah, Instagram knows. Facebook knows. And they show me ads for pregnant moms, and they’re filled with very thin women with adorably sized baby bumps. No swollen feet, no plump round faces. So a critical thing for me has been to follow some rad people who are saying “F U” to society’s expectations for human bodies, particularly pregnant people. I really have felt a change in my self appreciation since following Megan Jayne Crabbe, aka BodyPosiPanda. Her posts lift me up. And whenever I find myself saying nasty things to myself about how I look I watch this video. I immediately feel better. Especially if I dance around in front of my own mirror in my underwear. Also shout outs to some other great accounts: @alokvmenon @readytostare @themirnavator and @feminist!
• I’m surrounded. And finally, the love and support of a great partner and brilliant friends who won’t for a second entertain any notion that I don’t already have the perfect body. 

When I got pregnant, I managed to work out a few more times before the exhaustion got too much for me. One time I was complaining of being exhausted and a friend said I’d probably feel better if I worked out. Since he’s a man I figured he must be right about my body (ha, ha). So I went swimming after work. My in-laws were in town and we were planning to meet up for dinner later that evening. I remember the swim not being too bad in itself, but afterwards, despite the snacks and hydration, I was terribly exhausted. At the dinner table, I felt like I wasn’t really present. My mind was trapped behind a wall of exhaustion. I ate as much as I could, which in the stage of nausea wasn’t a lot, and then had to go home right after the meal. That night, I had a terrible night’s sleep, waking up hungry multiple times. I kept almonds by my bed, and would snack on them, but by 3am I had to go downstairs and make myself breakfast. Luckily I was able to fall asleep for a few hours after that. The following day I was a mess and could barely do anything at work or when I got home. It was much worse than the exhaustion I’d complained about days earlier! That experience totally put me off the gym. I did go back a few more times to swim after the first trimester, and I picked up prenatal yoga, but I feel like I could have tried a little harder to keep up some of the other exercises I had been doing, like planks and squats. 

At the start of pregnancy the doctor handed me a weight chart. It tells you your current BMI and gives you a “healthy” weight gain range for your pregnancy. I’ve actually found myself really worried about it. I already know my body is going through a huge change physically, and I have always had a hard time losing and keeping the weight off. I was shocked at how much fear the thought of putting 25lbs of weight on during pregnancy brought up for me. The idea in my mind that I will never lose it. All hope is lost for me now. It was like pregnancy (hormones?!) reopened the body shaming box that had been tucked away in a closet, covered by colorful blankets of self love and appreciation. Pregnancy threw the blankets on the floor, burst open the lid to the box and let those evil spirits fill my world again. I would need Buffy level action to get this under wraps. 

Gif of Buffy twirling her vampire killing stick! 

The thing about being pregnant is that more than usual people comment on your body. In general, being a woman you get a lot of commentary on your body, but as a pregnant woman it’s like you’re wearing a sign saying “Say something about my BELLY!” I remember a co-worker said “You’re barely showing” when I was about 20 weeks along. How do you think that feels when by week 10 my jeans and work pants were not fitting comfortably and I had already been wearing pregnancy pants for two months? It made me feel like the comment was “you always look bloated and overweight so, not really noticing a change now.” And another one, at 27 weeks (just after Christmas), a nurse drawing my blood for routine tests said to me, “It just looks like a little extra holiday weight.” Great! Wonderful, so I really do just look fat. “Just what I wanted to hear!”, I think at home later as I binge eat from the box of fancy chocolates my aunt sent from England, that open box of body shame ghouls stirring up fear inside me. 

To be fair, those people don’t know what my personal relationship to my body, or my baby bump size is, so there’s no hate toward them. It’s just like, wow, why do you need to say anything? But to tell the truth, it’s often on my mind. I go to prenatal yoga where we check in with how far along we are and any aches/pains. I remember seeing a woman who had a tiny little belly bump and I thought ahh she can’t be too far along. She was in the same week as me! And other women who are less far along but their tummy is much more “I’m a baby in here” shape, and less “could just be holiday weight” than mine. So I get it, folks are looking at you and their brain is having thoughts about it. We just don’t have to say anything. It’s been fun to constantly be reminded at yoga that all bodies are different, and we show and gain weight in different ways. And that’s OK. I’m on my own journey. Body comparison is a useless endeavor in or outside of pregnancy.

At first I wasn’t putting on much weight and I was grateful. First trimester low appetite was helping out. But then I got into second trimester and my sugar cravings intensified and we had Thanksgiving and Christmas. Two very food-centric holidays. I also dropped my careful eating ways of the gym days and would eat whatever I felt would taste best. I realized on New Year’s Eve, I hadn’t eaten a salad in over a month. Like a proper “salad as meal” salad. Not just a side. At 29 weeks now I’m approaching 20lb weight gain. The baby alone still has 5lb to gain to be average weight at birth. Not to mention the ever increasing blood volume, fat storage, and milk production to come.

So how do I handle this? First I take each day as it comes. If there’s a day I don’t give in to my mad chocolate cravings I celebrate and pat myself on the back. I deserve it. On the days I do give in, I sometimes berate myself, but then I acknowledge that tomorrow is another day and I can move on. I also deserve patience when I fall short. Things I try to prevent myself from binging: eat clementines or an apple, chew mint gum, drink sugar free hot chocolate, drink water, eat cottage cheese and pickles (my favorite snack!). Also, techniques such as walking away from the kitchen. While writing this, I got up to find chocolate, we don’t have much right now but there are stroopwafels, which I honestly don’t even like that much, but anything sweet would do. I saw the box, and I just turned around and sat back down at my computer. We’ll see how long I last today! 

Another thing I have found to help me is meditation. I use the HeadSpace app (far too occasionally), which has both a pregnancy meditation course and a course for cravings. When I was using the cravings course regularly I did find I was stronger at resisting my cravings. So I better get back into it! 

I’m also looking forward to going home to my mom’s house. Mom’s very loving and supportive, but she did once hug me when I was home in the fall and then say “Ok, no dessert until Christmas”. And at times she has told me I need to watch my sugar intake. She “cares about my health”. But can I just mention that my Dad has never commented on my body, and I have no doubt he cares about my health, too. Body image issues can be so gendered. 

Well for the record, I did the prenatal glucose test and the nurse said my body aced the test! Take that glucose. I’ve had plenty of practice processing sugar. (side note, I was legit worried I might get gestational diabetes because I’m a sugar fiend).  Anyway, Mom and I have talked about what she can and can’t say about my body. A rule that she can’t say anything unless I bring it up specifically or ask for advice. And my Mom’s great, so since the last time I got upset about it, 4 years ago, she hasn’t said anything.  In fact, she called me the other day just to tell me how beautiful I am. Thanks Mom. I’m looking forward to being at home because I think my mom also understands and has a personal experience with sugar cravings and she works hard to eat a healthy diet, so we can support each other with that. 

My concern over my eating habits right now aren’t just tied to my own body image. I’m also building a human being who is receiving the nutrients and flavors of everything I put into my body. They say that eating certain foods during pregnancy means there’s a better chance of baby liking that food when they’re born and start eating real food. “You better eat less sugar and eat more vegetables then,” Steve said in response to this. My eyes widened, “Yeah, no duh. Why do you think I’m trying so hard and beating myself up about satisfying the sugar cravings with chocolate?!”  Everyone has an opinion, but no one is on my case more than myself. Just know that. Luckily (for him), Steve’s next response was “How can I support you?” And really there’s only one solution. Lock me in a closet until it’s time for the birth.

Joking aside, I work at it every day and think about it every minute.

No matter what, I love and respect my body. After all, I've always been able to do the physical things I've wanted to. I've done triathlons, a half marathon, a 545 mile bike ride in one week (AIDS/Lifecycle). I've hiked, I've climbed, I've swam and run. I never feel like I'm held back. My body keeps me alive every day. It breathes for me, it carries me around, and it processes sugar for me! And now, it's creating a new life. My body is amazing! And it's mine, all mine.

Me (left) and my friend at a recent party, feeling sexy in my pregnancy.