Work work work work work work

 It’s been a few months since I was able to post on this blog. That’s because I went back to work! It wasn’t easing being a full-time Mom and working, even part-time (as if moms ever stop being a mom just because they’re working, or not physically present all the time. When I use it here, I just mean my “job” is to be a Mom).  I told my friend I was writing a post about being a full time mom and working, and she asked, “So, do you mean it was just you with your head face-down on your keyboard for 5 minutes?!” 

I’m not the first or the only parent to have to figure out balancing childcare and work during a global pandemic. We made it work, and I’m glad we did because I love my job. Though at times maybe I did want to face plant into my keyboard, that wouldn’t make a good blog post!

Actual photo of me working.
(JK this is @cookiethepom)

Getting back into it

Before Max, I was working as a consultant for an awesome learning & development company, A Positive Adventure. I loved the work and I was good at it. So, when the director approached me about picking up some more work, I knew I had to find a way to do it. 

Steve and I chose to not bring in outside help (i.e. a nanny). Since the project was short term, flexible hours, and not a heavy time commitment, we figured we could make it work. And for the most part it worked out fine. I could work when Max napped. That gave me anywhere from 2.5-3 hours a day. And on weekends Steve would take on more of the Max care, so I could get 4 hour chunks in. 

It was a thrill to be working again. Last year, my work involved building a training program for a client. This year I was working with the same client, converting the in-person training to a virtual environment. Thanks, Covid! I love thinking about how information is communicated, and creating ways for trainees to engage with content in a way that will help them learn and remember. 

For the most part, the work is independent. The flexible hours helped me juggle both Mom and consultant responsibilities. Figuring out when to schedule phone calls with my client and boss required strategic coordination with Steve’s calendar. Making sure that one of us was always available to take care of Max, or cover his monitor if he was sleeping - in case he unexpectedly woke up. 

Steve would run up the stairs from his desk in the basement, I’d hand off Max or the monitor, like a football or relay baton, and shoot down to the spare room where I could take a video call.  It was sometimes messy and chaotic, but it worked. 

Who needs sleep?

I had a deadline for handing work over to the client, but I self-imposed a deadline of 5 days earlier to finish everything. It felt like what I needed to do in order to get it all done and have a few days to wrap a bow around things. Managing time is an interesting thing - estimating how much time a piece of work might take, and figuring out when you’ll be able to do it. When you have a baby it’s even more complex because your time doesn’t really belong to you anymore. At least it can feel that way for me.

Sometimes he doesn’t want to nap. Sometimes he’s extra cranky and I would just feel drained by the time he’s asleep that I’d rather Netflix and chill for an hour! And, honestly, I’m the type of mother who will come back if I hear the baby crying when Dad’s “in control”.

So many times Steve has said, “I got it Mimi, go away!”

It’s just hard to concentrate on anything if I hear the baby. Going far away in the house and listening to music was a must! Oh, and trusting that Steve can totally handle anything. That’s important too! 

Finally, as my deadline loomed closer, I realized there wasn’t enough time in the day when Max napped to get it all done. I started waking up at 5:30am. First it was probably the stress and anxiety. I got myself concerned that I wouldn’t be able to complete the work in time. Then it became a pattern and without an alarm I would rise super early to my computer in a dark and lonely room downstairs. 

I would work as much as I could up to 6:45am, right before getting the baby up for the day at 7:00am. I played with Max, planned and cooked his meals, fed him and all that’s in-between up until about 6pm when Steve would take over to do bedtime routine. I also walked the dog with Max once or twice a day, depending on Steve’s schedule. At 6pm, I then would cook dinner for the whole house - we share groceries and often eat together. I usually want to eat by 7:30, so I have to get things started in the kitchen before other folks are usually even ready to think about dinner.  A few nights a week other people lead on cooking, but I probably do it 5 nights a week. Luckily, we agree that whoever cooks doesn’t clean up! 

It felt good to start each day with at least an hour of work behind me. I’ve always been a morning person, so it wasn’t really a struggle getting out of bed. But, my days were really long and packed full of activity. I definitely was getting tired.

I lasted a week before I became exhausted. It got to 3:30pm on a Thursday and I was curled up in Max’s room on the floor cuddling one of his soft teddies, Mr. Pig. While he pulled toys down from his shelf and played happily, I lay there crying feeling sorry for myself! Steve came in to check on us and I asked to tap out. He was in a good position with his workload, so took Max for the rest of the afternoon.

I crashed into bed, so hard. It was one of those naps that just feels so good, that you know you needed so bad. The kind of nap where you sleep face down with your mouth open, wake up in a puddle of drool. I know that’s really gross. But it felt so good, I’m not even embarrassed. 

The next day I decided not to get up early and not to work during Max’s naps. I took a full break. It was the best thing to do. I was able to complete my work on the weekend in good time, sharing Max care with Steve and without having to wake up early. The front-loaded pressure I placed on myself helped me have an easy week before handing over my work to the client. 

After crushing it through some work, my friend and boss Kati sent me a gift on Venmo to get a tea/coffee on her.  I gladly treated myself to a peppermint mocha and a walk on the beach with Max and my friend Catherine.

Thinking Ahead

 

When we were planning to have a kid, we discussed how we would want to raise them. We both agreed that ideally one of us would be the primary caregiver for the first few years of the child’s life. This would mean one of us leaving paid out-of-the-house employment, and logically it made sense to be me.

I find myself very happy being a stay at home mom –I think some people prefer that term over “full time mom.” I wasn’t sure if I would. I worried that I would get fed up, and lonely from lack of adult interaction! I also worried that I would lose a sense of self, and maybe even get depressed. 

But I feel the opposite. I’m really happy. Sometimes it’s hard when Max is super cranky and whines or cries a lot. And there are many days I can’t wait until 6pm when Steve takes over to do the bedtime routine! But in general I love my new job, my Mom job! I spend my time trying to make Max happy and teach him new things about the world. He makes me smile so often, which boosts serotonin, the hormone that makes us happy. 

Side note – Not all moms feel this way and there are many who suffer with postpartum depression, PTSD, anxiety and psychosis. Even I had a tough time in the earlier months, things changed with support from Steve, our family and friends. It’s nothing to do with how well suited someone is to parenthood. It’s chemical, hormonal and can sometimes be hereditary.  If you, or someone you know is struggling and needs someone to talk to, check out www.postpartum.net for support and further information.

Perhaps one good thing about the pandemic is that my house is full of people all the time. Two of the three other adults we live with work from home. Steve is able to pop in to see me and Max whenever he gets a moment, and often we get to have lunch together. Max gets to interact with our other roommates regularly when we go downstairs for meal times. 

I would love to pick up new projects and work more. However, I know for sure that I will need better childcare arrangements for Max. It was too difficult for both me and Steve to do it long term. It’s a complex situation though because looking for childcare means opening up our pod to another person, and whatever risk they might bring. I’m sure it won’t be easy.

Ultimately, I think I will remain the primary caregiver for Max, but will get part time help from someone else. And I’m hoping I’ll be able to learn a lot from them. Especially if they’re already experienced. 

I’m really hopeful for 2021. I’m hopeful the Covid-19 vaccines will be successful, distributed equitably and, let me be honest, I just want to throw a big party. I’m hopeful that the change in administration will have a positive impact on people I care about by rolling back Trump’s oppressive policies, including immigrants, people of color, trans folks and the LGBQ community. And I’m hopeful that I can continue to balance being a Mom and working on projects I love.