In my last post, I wrote about my experience becoming a mom during a global pandemic, and during a year of racist police violence and social unrest. There was so much more to say about our experience in the pandemic that I split it into two parts. Here, I reflect on what it was like to travel with our young infant and adjusting to life back at the Fishbowl. (check out part 1 here!)
In January, Steve and I traveled to England by way of Paris, France. We had chosen that route so that Porter, our 15lb miniature schnauzer could travel in the cabin with us (UK does not allow pets in cabin). My dad was our hero, driving from home all the way to the channel tunnel aka chunnel, and down to Paris. He stayed one night at an airport hotel, collected us in the early morning, and drove us back home again. It was over 14 hours of driving in two days for him!
Our plan was to return, via Paris, to New York in mid-June, when baby would be about 3 months old. As the pandemic worsened, and Trump closed borders to a growing list of countries, Steve became increasingly nervous that the US borders would be closed to American citizens flying in from Europe. He wanted to make sure that if it did happen, we’d be ready to jump on the next plane to New York before it was too late. We had to get Max an emergency passport from the US embassy in London.
Max was about 6 weeks old. My hero Dad drove us up to London and waited in the car while Steve and I navigated the empty, echoing halls of the embassy. It was pretty easy to get the passport. We had expected the worst - lines of people in an anxious rush to get visas or passports. We saw two other members of the public there, and three staff behind glass walls. It was empty!
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| Beautiful spring flowers outside the US Embassy in London |
I can imagine that if the halls weren’t empty, if it was a normal busy day the process could have taken a lot longer. It was pretty simple, a number of forms, proof of identification and the obligatory fees. Moving between different windows to submit paperwork, to pay the fee, to be verified, to finally receive the passport in hand. Our baby was now officially an American citizen. An American and British citizen, just like me.
Tough Decisions
In early May, Steve was increasingly concerned about our travel plans. He felt too anxious to wait until mid-June to fly back. Knowing that if we kept waiting, numbers could get worse, policies could change, and for whatever reason we might get stuck in the UK. Which would be a big issue for his work and visa.
It was really difficult to reduce the time I had with my family. The pandemic had already reduced the amount of interaction and contact my sisters and nieces had with us since Max's birth. The thought of leaving the country earlier depressed me. I was also extremely nervous about traveling with Max. He can't wear a mask, what if he gets sick? How could I live with myself?! Sometimes I wondered whether we should leave at all?
"Maybe we should just stay here longer, not put Max at risk? " I wondered out loud.
"I can't work here, I have to be back before July," Steve reasoned with me, "No one is flying right now, the risk to Max is so low"
I wondered if Steve should leave without us. He said that hurt his feelings. I was just thinking about what's best for Max. He said so was he.
We decided to leave 2.5 weeks ahead of our original plan, in late May. Instead of the hassle of trying to go through France, we booked flights out of London. Porter would not be allowed in the cabin with us.
We had to pay a private service to handle Porter’s flight. It involved them building him a crate, picking him up from my parents’ house the day before the flight and handling all the paperwork to get him on the plane. They partner with British Airways, and luckily, he was on the same flight as us. Getting him at the other end was the most challenging part and a story for another day!
I was so anxious leading up to the flight. Constantly worrying if we were putting Max at risk. Steve tried to comfort me; not many people were flying right now, that planes were known for great air filtration. I learned later that 5-6 changes of air are recommended for indoor spaces to reduce covid transmission, most airplanes have the equivalent of 22 changes per hour. Fresh!
London Heathrow was eerily quiet. We saw 10 other humans at the check-in desks, including staff. No security lines. All shops closed up, except the ones selling packaged food, like WHSmith, Boots. We purchased bottled water - thinking that the screw on tops would be safer than our reusable bottles on which the mouthpiece was always exposed.
We kept Max’s stroller covered in the hopes of protecting him from any lingering covid particles in the air. We had brought along the plastic rain cover, but ended up just using a regular car seat cover because it was easier to remove for security.
At one point we boarded a train to take us to a terminal. A man boarded in our car and wasn't wearing a mask. I freaked out, internally of course. My first experience of a covid etiquette/rule fail. The first time I didn't speak up, regrettably not the last. We're in a closed car, I have a BABY! Why is his mask under his chin?
There were very few people in our gate area, and we were able to keep far away from other people. The plane was definitely empty compared to any other international flight I’ve ever taken! I think they said there were 55 passengers on the flight.
British Airways offers a "sky cot" for infants if you're able to book the bulk head seats. They don't guarantee them, if someone with a disability requested them they would take priority. We were lucky we got them, so he could sleep!
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| Max naps on the plane from London to New York |
Max did great on the plane! He nursed during take off, had a bottle, and within an hour had fallen asleep in the carry cot the airline provided. He slept for nearly 5 hours! That was a super long nap. What a champion. He had one more feed on the plane and after we landed he fell asleep again. Perfect for our adventures driving around JFK to get Porter released by Customs.
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| Snooze Baby Snooze |
Once in New York, Steve and I were quarantined at his parents house, while they stayed at his aunt's empty apartment. We went to get tested at a huge site run by the national guard. The pain of the nose swab stuck in my brain will always be remembered! My eyes watered for 30 long seconds. It was a few days before our results came back negative. While we had convinced ourselves that we didn’t have covid, surely we’d just know if we did, the confirmation brought a sigh of relief. Steve’s parents moved back in, and we spent a month with them.
I mostly remember our time in New York for the interactions we had with Steve's family and some friends who came for masked visits. It was a strange feeling seeing so many people in person! But it was lovely. I also went to the grocery store a few times, reveling the chance to do something "normal", to be around strangers again.
I also remember our time in New York as a huge struggle to understand Max's needs. His eating wasn't getting any better. He was terrible at burping (or we were terrible at helping him burp?!). So a feed took a lot of time and effort. I was still nursing for 10-15 minutes then following with a bottle. He took a long time to drink. I felt very alone.
Max also wasn't napping well. I tried using an app, which I've mentioned in a previous post. But nothing seemed to help me figure out what he really needed. He had a full feed, so how could he be awake an hour later? I can't feed him again?! I try not to let the stress of that period over shadow the nice times we had with Steve's parents and his sister who lived nearby.
Finally Home
When we flew back to Oakland, the numbers in New York were way down so we were feeling like it was a good time to travel. We missed our home and community after so much time away and wanted to start our new life as parents at the Fishbowl.
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| On the plane heading to Oakland |
The domestic flight was noticeably busier than the international one had been. Middle seats were left open between passengers - which gave us extra room to shuffle a baby and a dog (who was in the cabin this time). Domestic flights don't offer the carry cots so Max would have to sleep on us. Although it was just a month since the international flight his napping patterns had changed quite a bit, and he wasn’t as quick to fall asleep. After a feed, I wrapped him onto me in my sling, stood up and bounced him up and down in the open space near an emergency exit.
It’s a very strange feeling being masked but holding my baby who isn’t able to wear a mask. No matter where I go - on the plane, in a store, walking the dog. I tell myself that he breathes in such a small amount of air he’s at less risk, and that for most situations we’re in the risk is pretty low to begin with. Steve's mom had given us face shields for extra protection, but mine kept hitting Max's head so I didn't wear it for most of the flight.
Back in Oakland, we got tested again. This time a self-administered nose swab. Way less painful, although I tried to be as thorough as the national guard to ensure an accurate result! Our roommates had welcomed us back into the house with no quarantine or cautions. So, it was a nice relief to confirm that we hadn’t picked up covid on the flight home.
One Last Trip
I did fly once more in 2020. When my Grandpa passed away in October, I flew to Georgia to be with my Mom who came from England. It was terribly sad losing my Grandpa before having the chance to introduce him to Max. I sent him a huge collection of printed photos, which my mom found on his coffee table - he looked at them often.
Just the week before, I had said I hoped to visit the next year. He said "I'll probably not be here by then," something he always said, having been ready to go shortly after my grandma passed. "No Grandpa, the doctor said you'll live to be 100 remember?" I teased. That was the last time we spoke. We were all grateful that he passed peacefully during a morning nap. He was 98 years old.
I remember the night I arrived in Milledgeville and my mom welcomed me to share the bed with her. I struggled to fall asleep, wrapped up in fear that I might have brought Covid to her, catching it on the plane or in the airport. Should I sleep in the other room on the floor and open the windows? I had to let go of my fear and trust that I hadn't caught anything. It was such a short time with her and I wanted to hug her and be close to her as much as possible.
And I saw how many folks in rural Georgia lived! Very different from the bay area where we are masked up as soon as we leave our houses. The first day I was there we took a walk and an elderly neighbor came right over and hugged my mom, neither had masks on! In my head, I was like, gosh we could kill this old lady!
"She hugged me, what could I do, push her away?!" my mom shrugged when I expressed my concern afterwards.
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| I was lucky to celebrate my Mom's birthday with her! |
Seeing my mom had been a blessing. Leaving Milledgeville, leaving the home of my grandparents for the last time, leaving my Mom again was the hardest thing. When will I see her again? Will she be safe here, walking in and out of Taco Bell where the workers keep their masks below their chins? Will more old people try to hug her? Will she be safe on the flight home?
A knot formed in my throat as I drove out of the gated community. I let the tears come as I drove slowly down the quiet street to the main highway. I had a playlist for this moment. I put on my Lady Gaga karaoke tunes, dried my eyes and proceeded to sing my way back to Atlanta.
(Mom was fine, and still is fine. Now vaccinated and safe in the UK)
Pandemic Normal
There’s a bit of adjustment to a new normal. We have to adjust to survive. It’s not easy and still drains us. But after a while of not seeing friends regularly, not hosting dinner, or eating brunch at a crowded restaurant, it just feels normal.
So there’s plenty to be said about how terrible the pandemic is, but what about looking on the bright side?
Positive things about baby’s first year in a pandemic:
Steve works from home - this is great because instead of commuting for an hour every day, he gets more time with Max. He can pop up at any time during the day to say hi. He can have lunch with us. It’s great for their relationship, and it’s also great for me! When I was exhausted and really needed a break, Steve could pause work for an hour so I could nap.
Everyone else working from home - Max has developed great relationships with our roommates during breakfast, and lunch when everyone's around and often eating with him. He gets a lot of interaction time with them. If they were at work all day, I’m sure it would be a lot less. Also, as a new parent I am so grateful to have adult humans to interact with during the day!
He hasn’t had a bad cold or any other kind of germy illness babies might be expected to get in their first year. Probably because he’s really not exposed to anything. Sometimes I wonder if this is really a net positive or if it will impact him later in life.
Oh, I guess I thought my list would be longer. haha!
Now it's going to be strange as the state starts "opening up" again. Steve and I are fully vaccinated and we’re looking forward to seeing our family and friends again. Already, Steve’s parents flew out to California to spend a week with us. They hadn’t seen Max since he was three and a half months old. It was great to spend time with them and have Max interact with them in meaningful ways.
Optimistically, Steve booked us a trip to celebrate our 5 year anniversary in Hawaii in November. I’m looking forward to the beach and scuba diving! And I’m hopeful that we will be back in England for a visit with my family before Max’s 2nd birthday, but that will depend. They still have a 10 day mandatory quarantine for anyone coming into the country.
We spent the weekend camping at our friend's walnut orchard, Cosmic Honey. It was great being there for a meditation retreat with 10-15 other people. So fulfilling to see Max engage and interact with other adults. Especially folks we love and admire for their creativity, welcoming spirit, and thirst for fun. Everyone in attendance was either half or fully vaccinated, and we were always outside. It felt very safe and comfortable to be around people.
Now we can't wait to host a gathering at the Fishbowl! We're starting to plan it out, considering what is needed to make our friends feel safe when they're here. We can't please everyone, but we'll be taking science-based, common-sense safety measures.
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