It’s been three and a half months since we welcomed Nico into the family. Not a long time, really. We’re still all adjusting. Things ebb and flow between easy and difficult.
Easy: Nico eats well.
Difficult: Nationwide formula shortage is scary right now.
Easy: Max loves being a big brother and has been nothing but sweet to Nico.
Difficult: Two babies sometimes demanding attention at the same time.
Easy: Nico sleeps through the night.
Difficult: Except for when he doesn’t and he wakes up crying multiple times.
Easy: Steve and I are enjoying time in the house together on parental leave.
Difficult: Somehow we still feel like we don’t get much time together, not alone time anyway.
Before Nico was born, I was especially worried about going from parenting one baby to two. So many people said two is much harder. The work doubles, they’re at different stages developmentally and so they have different needs and interests.
Steve and I would sometimes lie awake in bed after a difficult evening with Max and ask each other, “did we make a big mistake?!” It was mostly a joke, but as an old friend used to say to me: “many a true word is spoken in jest.”
One friend, who had their second child around the time Max was born, told us that for her going from zero to one child was a much harder transition than going from one to two children.
This makes a lot of sense. Without children, I could sleep in. If I wasn’t feeling well, I could Netflix & Chill. If my friend called me up, inviting me on a bike ride or trip to the beach, I could jump in the car and go! I only had to pick up after myself (and Steve).
Having even one child changes all of that. I had to get up on his schedule. Couldn’t shake my duties unless Steve was available or we hired someone. And I had another human to pick up after.
Adding Nico to the mix has only mildly affected my freedoms. I got used to my full night’s sleep, now that’s interrupted again. Luckily, he's now at the point where he's sleeping through the night and only occasionally needs comforting at night. But on the occasions he’s having a funny night and I’m soothing him a few times, I’m exhausted the next day.
Fun must be scheduled and negotiated between Steve and me so that we don’t leave each other with two kids at a more challenging time (meal times or bedtime). That said, I just took a two-week trip to England by myself with the kids. Steve got a full two weeks without childcare, and I got all of the childcare (with great help from my parents, who I stayed with). More on that experience in another post!
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| Welcoming Nico to the family. |
Max Adjusting
Steve and I are not the only ones adjusting to our new family of four. Max is also going through the adjustment.
The experience of waking up one day to find our roommate, Matthew, in his room, instead of his mommy or daddy, was probably quite shocking for him. Matthew explained that mommy was having his baby brother today. That morning he barely spoke a word, only repeating “baby brother” in the car on the way to daycare. He didn’t nap at daycare and seemed delirious when he was picked up in the afternoon.
Luckily, I was doing well enough with Nico in the hospital that Steve could go home Friday evening to see Max and put him to bed. He also left the hospital really early in the morning on Saturday to be there when Max woke up. I think that really helped Max, he hadn’t ever woken up without us before.
When we brought Nico home from the hospital, we kept him in his car seat to meet Max. This was advice I had read online about introducing older siblings to the new baby. By keeping Nico in his car seat, Max would have full access to my arms if he wanted my attention and affection.
Another piece of advice was to give the older sibling a gift ‘from’ the new baby. We had picked up a HUGE box of duplo for free from a neighbor, complete with a large fire truck toy. That completely distracted Max from the new baby! He loved it.
During the first week, Max had some hard times. He often skipped his nap at daycare, meaning he was tired and cranky at home. It wasn’t just a new baby in the house. His New York grandparents were there for a few days, and then his UK grandparents came. All the adult attention was new to him too.
One evening, Max had the biggest meltdown of his life during dinner time. He hadn’t napped at daycare so was overtired and started crying over something to do with eating yogurt. He cried and screamed louder than I had ever heard. His face red with frustration. Nothing Steve did was calming him down. I handed Nico over to my father-in-law, mid-feed, and took Max upstairs with Steve. I thought to myself, “Nico will be fine, they know how to feed him. I need to be there for Max right now.”
I cradled Max in my arms and sang Twinkle Twinkle Little Star as he scream-cried for another 5 minutes. Finally he began to calm down. Steve and I stayed in his room to read books with him. He took turns sitting on our laps and having the other parent read the book. We gave him lots of love and cuddles and then put him to bed.
When we left the room I broke down and cried. Now Steve had to cuddle me! I felt so bad for Max. It was really difficult and upsetting to see him so distraught. I felt so much ‘mom guilt’ for putting him through this big change.
While my parents were staying with us (for a full 5 weeks!) Steve and I prioritized doing bedtime routine together so Max had a lot of alone time with us. Steve also started to tell Max that we will be there when he wakes up from a nap, or in the morning. That seemed to help get his naps back on track.
Three months later, Max is doing great. He’s napping at school and at home. He’s still madly in love with his baby brother and understands how to be gentle with him. I really love it when Max helps undress Nico for bath time. When Nico sneezes, Max says “bless you Nico.” Sometimes he says “What Nico doing?” or “I see Nico” when he wants to go see his brother. He also likes to lie down next to Nico to show him toys or tickle him!
Like anything with children, adjusting to a new member of the family is a phase to go through. I’ve spoken to other parents who have been through challenging phases with an older sibling being jealous and a little angry about the newcomer. But they always move past this. Things settle and the older sibling knows they are loved and will have their needs met, even with a new family member in the mix.
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