This is part two in a series about our experience hosting an au pair through Au Pair Care. You can read the first part here.
In October, 2022, we welcomed our au pair, M, into our family. She lived with us for 4 months. In that time, she provided excellent childcare. We got to know her and learned so much about Turkey.
I started Turkish language lessons on Duolingo so I could say good morning and “how are you?” in her language. I think my attempts to remember the pronunciations tickled her. I was also learning strange sentences, like “Tavşan kaplumbağayı yedi.” It was a fun thing to bond over!
M brought us a beautiful Turkish coffee set when she came and would often brew me a cup while I was working in the apartment. Keeping me caffeinated! I especially loved the Turkish food she occasionally prepared. I still like to cook lentil soup (Kırmızı Mercimek Çorbası), which was her favorite, and a tomato and white bean stew (Fasulye).
Being an Au Pair Mom
There were a lot of great things about having an au pair, living with M and getting to know her. But I had not been prepared for the emotional stress that would come with being an au pair mom.
I was very concerned about making sure M felt welcome and comfortable. I worried about whether she liked the food we had, what to cook her, whether she liked the schedule, whether or not she knew what to do in her time off, whether she liked us and felt comfortable in the apartment. We were winning at host family-ing?
Sometimes, we would give M advice and ideas for her time off so she had an easy plan for an adventure. On Halloween night we paid for her Lyft so she could party in the city with a friend. When she was sick with a cold, I made her favorite Turkish soup and encouraged her to take time off to rest.
We checked in every week or two to ask how she was. Asked on a scale of 1 to 10 how she felt and what we could do to get her closer to a 10. Usually we were getting 7 or 8s. Not bad, but room for improvement. We’d figure out what might get us closer to a 10 and take steps towards that.
Despite the 7 and 8s, it was noticeable that M didn’t seem happy. Some days she would sulk around the apartment and it was quite uncomfortable for me. It was difficult to make conversation or know how to help. Especially when we were taking care of our kids and surviving was our goal for the day!
One night, we hosted karaoke at the house. M and a friend joined us. We all had a great time and sang and laughed. The next two days when I did see her she seemed to be in a bad mood, and I worried if we had done something wrong.
I thought, maybe she’s just lonely and bored because she doesn’t know many people and can’t drive yet. I reached out to some friends for support.
Shortly after M arrived here I had introduced her to two Turkish-American friends, so I called one of them to see if she would invite M out sometime. I thought maybe talking Turkish would make her feel a little less lonely.
On that call, the friend said to me “Mimi, I just want to say this to you in case no one else does, her happiness isn’t your responsibility. This isn’t your fault.”
At that I just burst into tears. I had been so stressed out the past few weeks wanting to make sure M was happy. I was always worried about whether she had the food she wanted. We spent over $150 at a Turkish grocery store. We invited her to join dinners with our friends, or karaoke nights, invited her on an upcoming trip to Nevada City, and always encouraged her to have her friend over anytime. Not to mention hours spent trying to figure out how to enroll M in an English Language Class (which, by the way, is SO HARD! Even for an English speaker!)
It was a relief to hear this from my friend, and I was determined to let the weight of that responsibility off my shoulders.
That night we sat down for a regular check in and M said she wasn’t happy and wanted to “re-match”. This is the term used for “find another family”. It hadn’t even been two months. I was shocked she just wanted to quit like that but tried to be understanding and not take it personally.
That night M listed the reasons why she wanted to re-match, and most of them were somewhat solvable. We discussed solutions and compromises. I’m not going to go through it all here, it’s too detailed. Also the way I tell it may be totally different from how M would tell it, and so I don’t want to overly bias things, even though this is a blog about my lens and experiences.
Following that check in, Steve and I increased M weekly payment so she could have more money to get around the bay, and we committed to increasing driving lessons so that she might pass her California test. Instead of pushing for an evening or online ESL class, we supported M to sign up for two in-person ESL classes on Mondays and Wednesdays - I just adjusted my schedule to work outside of those times. We wanted to keep her happy and knew the English class was important to her.
M was appreciative of the changes we offered, and she did agree to stay. But I think from that moment I was back to feeling the pressure of making us the best family to stay with. Queue a $300 meal at a Turkish restaurant over Christmas! By the way, it wasn’t the food that was the problem.
It wasn’t a good match
In mid-January, a month later, M told us again she wanted to rematch. This time I really hadn’t seen it coming. I thought we’d had a good month. There had been a conflict with Steve around getting to her ESL class one evening when I was out of town. He had made an effort to resolve it with her and help her get what she wanted, but I think that could have just been enough to make her decision. She was simply unhappy in Oakland and wanted different things from her time in America.
M told me that she joined the au pair program because she wanted to travel and not having access to a car in her time off made her very unhappy. We were willing to let M drive our car once she passed her CA test, but she wasn’t a safe enough driver yet and that concerned us. Also, we only have one car so M knew it would mean negotiating and scheduling times for the car.
She also wanted to be an au pair to study English and was disappointed that she had to wait until January to start a decent class. She attended a free evening class, but everyone else was so far behind in their skill level that she didn’t feel challenged enough. When her college class started, it was better but not enough for her to feel happy here.
M had a few uncomfortable experiences in Oakland during her time here and I think that also caused a lasting impact. She didn’t like Oakland. She liked San Francisco and she liked the surrounding nature, but she felt like she didn’t have access to it without a car of her own. It’s understandable, Oakland isn’t for everyone. Sometimes I don’t like Oakland all that much!
There had also been another issue where we miscommunicated about the potential to travel with us to Puerto Rico for our friend’s wedding in February. We had said it was a possibility for travel, and when we looked into booking things we couldn’t afford for all of us to go. She had thought we were going to take her, so was disappointed when the plan involved leaving her in New York at Steve’s parents house with the kids for 4 days.
I think that’s understandable. We could have done a better job with that communication and planning. We’re only human and we were new to being hosts too. Even though M wanted to re-match in January, she offered to stay through the NYC trip because she knew we needed her help.
I was happy that M enjoyed her time off when we were in NYC. She went into Manhattan and Brooklyn. One of her Turkish friends from the bay area actually flew out to get a hotel in Brooklyn with her and they spent a few days sightseeing. I also went to the MoMA with M and that was a lot of fun. In the end she was happy with that trip, but I think she may have expected more exciting travel with us.
Finally, I think another issue was that we live in an apartment where her bedroom is right off the living room. It doesn’t give a lot of privacy. And it’s hard for her to be really alone when we’re all around on the weekends. Not to mention we wake up at 7am every day with the kids and she wasn’t a morning person! Not that she ever mentioned this specifically to us, but Steve picked up on it during some conversations about re-matching.
I think these things and maybe some others, all compounded to make her feel like this au pair adventure wasn’t living up to her expectations.
The agency tries really hard to keep the match working. They sent someone to mediate via Zoom. But there wasn’t anything to mediate. Steve and I both accepted that M wasn’t happy here in Oakland, and that we couldn’t do anything else for her. We knew by now that she wasn’t going to change her mind.
During the mediation the agency rep would try asking probing questions or tell M she had a good situation and it just made M cry. Especially because she found it so difficult to articulate her feelings and perspective in English. Steve finally stepped in to say, “Look, M's not happy here and she might actually be happy in a quiet suburb somewhere with more space and privacy. We need to move on.”
We Misjudged Personality
Looking back, Steve and I realize that we could have done a much more thorough job during the matching process to really understand M's personality. We really only interviewed M twice. We had a few back and forth emails and some occasional calls to get to know her once we matched. There was pressure on our end to find someone and match before losing them to another host family, and because we wanted them to arrive quickly.
We thought, since M was from a big city (Istanbul), that she would easily adapt and be comfortable in a city like Oakland. M said she could drive, and came with her International Drivers License, and we thought she’d be a great driver, used to intense city traffic and we wouldn’t have to worry. But that turned out wrong too.
M had said she likes to travel and go out to nature, which we thought meant camping. On arrival, M told us that she didn’t like camping. We also thought since M lived independently from her family that she would be social and adventurous but while here she spent a lot of time in her room and didn’t make many friends here. Once, when I was encouraging her to plan short trips with other au pairs (like to places 1-2 hours away), she told me, “I don't want lots of friends, I only need one.”
We always asked potential Fishbowl roommates to answer the question “How would your best friend describe you?” so we had sent this to M as well. She sent a response from her best friend that described her as one of the most helpful people he knew. That was definitely true. M was very kind and wanted to help whenever she could. But he had also described her as always optimistic with a “make it happen” attitude.
I had the expectation that she would be able to find happiness wherever she was. I didn’t experience M as optimistic, but I think that’s totally understandable because being an au pair (moving thousands of miles from home to live with a new family who you also work for) is so intense and challenging. Not easy at all. But, you can see how we made a lot of assumptions about M's personality.
There’s nothing wrong with all of M's likes and dislikes or her personality. There was plenty we did love about her personality (she was caring and quite funny!). It’s not good or bad, it just is. I share it to emphasize that it was mostly a personality clash and clash of expectations. We (on both sides) could have done a better job to uncover before matching. Steve and I thought we understood everything, but we did not. It takes a lot of time to figure out someone’s personality, and a language barrier can make it take even longer.
Emotional Rollercoaster
I had so many ups and downs during the un-matching. I was accepting and understanding that M wasn’t happy. I was there to support her, encourage her. I tried to be unbiased when she questioned if the au pair program was even right for her. When she finally did ask my opinion I honestly said no. I didn’t think she communicated her needs well and I couldn’t imagine her being happy anywhere. I’m sure I was wrong, but it was how I felt at the time.
And at times I was insulted and angry at what came across as an attitude as “entitlement” from M. I also was angry that she had made a commitment to us and couldn’t see it through, despite everything - all the waiting, everything we had done to make her feel welcome, all the love and support and open communication.
We got on really well when we did spend time together. She said we were great people, a great host family. So, was it all really that bad?
It was a relationship breakup. I went through it all. And the day she left, I cried and cried.
Saying Goodbye
How do you tell a one year old that his bestie is leaving? I didn’t. Sometimes, I wish I had spoken to Nico about it. I guess I just assumed he wouldn’t understand me. In the weeks following M's departure Nico was definitely more irritable. He also crawled over to her room looking for her. It was really sad.
We talked to Max about it. We didn’t tell him she wanted another family, we told him that she had spent her time here and now it was the right time for her to move on and go home. He took it well. He understood to say goodbye to M. He didn’t talk about her much after she left, but a few weeks ago he heard "Turkey" in a story and he said "Turkey is where M is from." I asked if he missed her and he said “yes, I do.”
When you go into a rematch, the au pair only has 2 weeks to find a new family. It was a stressful time for M because if she doesn’t get offered a match she would have to fly back home to Turkey. Luckily, days before the end of that 2-week period, M found a family in Colorado.
The family has 3 kids, but two of them are a little older and I think in school. They live in the suburbs and have a car specifically for their au pair. A different city, with more of her own freedom, and more personal space. I think M is happier there, based on our communication over text and on one call.
She will always be a special person to us. With distance from it all, I can step back and say that it just wasn’t the right match for either of us, and that’s OK. It’s no one’s fault. I think both sides did what we could, but in the end we needed and wanted different things.
As for Steve and I, we weren’t ready for a new au pair when M left. We had a big trip to the UK planned (not a great time to onboard a new au pair) and Steve was about to start a new job. Searching and interviewing for an au pair was the last thing we wanted to do.
We’re planning a move to New York in the summer, and I’m hoping to go back to full time work. Perhaps at that point we will consider finding another match. It’s not entirely off the table.
If we do get an au pair again, I think I’ll know how to be way more specific upfront about exactly what we have to offer: the amount of data on the phone plan; what our apartment is like (we hadn’t rented this place until after matching with M); the good and the bad of Oakland; the requirement to pass a driving test before using our car, etc.
We'll also do a lot more to understand the person's personality and take more time to get to know them personally before they arrive. I’ll still worry about that person’s happiness because I am who I am, but maybe I’ll be able to relax a little bit!
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