I stopped writing for some time. A year and a half. Did you notice?
I got busy. I’m always busy. Are you busy?
Today I feel especially called to find my voice again in this blog. I started Good Night Mom when I was pregnant with my first, back in 2019. I started this blog because I was learning SO MUCH about motherhood that did not align with all the things I thought I knew. All the ways society taught me to view motherhood.
The biggest thing at the time was how motherhood is meant to be “natural” a part of nature. We still expect women to feel some sort of way about having children. And I realized how frustrated and agonized I became when 2 months of trying for a baby turned into 5, 6, and then 9. And how lucky we were that it was only 9. So many parents go through much longer periods of desiring to conceive, of trying IVF, surrogates, and adoption proceedings. There are many ways to become a parent.
This blog was the space for me to express the challenges I faced as a mom, as well as the good moments. From conception, to pregnancy nausea (let’s just stop using “morning sickness,” please), to breach babies, and c-sections, breast feeding, sleep routines, to behaviors, potty training, and family adventures.
It felt deeply important to show an honest perspective to any of my friends out there who were considering motherhood. I wanted them to know it’s not all cute outfits and little snuggly baby toes.
I think two years ago motherhood, for me, became particularly challenging with a 4 year old and a two year old. They say “terrible twos” but you have to know about the “fucking fours”. It’s a challenging point in time. Your kid is bigger, heavier, and more determined than ever to find some sense of control over the situation.
Nico’s currently fighting us in the mornings, getting ready for school, at dinner time, and bedtime. Bookends to the day are filled with trying to keep myself calm and present so I can be the guardrails to his bowling ball of fury bouncing towards the pins of sleep. And at the end, I’m knocked over too. Exhausted.
I am returning to this blog again because I want to find an outlet again. A space to continue reflecting on parenting and being a mother. With 6 years since my first child, and 4 years since my second I do feel different now. Less lost in this question of “who am I?” I feel more connected with my sense of self, my own desires, the person I want to be and the kind of life I want to have. Now, I’m more at ease having that with the responsibility I have to my kids.
It’s still hard and sometimes I cry because I think I’m not good at this parenting thing. I definitely don’t have all the answers. But I feel a little more grounded in myself and that helps me get through the tough moments.
I recently have been reading about Matrescence, and I think this should be taught in school just like the basics of puberty. Matrescence is the profound psychological transition into motherhood. Much like adolescence, it is a major life transition that involves radical changes across physical, psychological, hormonal, and social dimensions.
Research on Matrescence tends to show that it can take around 3 years for a mother to stabilize into a new normal. To psychologically redefine their identity after having a baby (I use this catch all term - having a baby - for however you become a parent).
I recall all the information about a 6-8 week recovery from child birth. No one talks to you about feeling off, maybe even crappy, for 3 years!
It helps me to know that other mothers go through this. A huge psychological shift that can be overwhelming. Some may take it in their stride. Good for them. Some may never show the outside world the true struggles, that’s fine too. I’ve always wanted to be the kind of mother that gives voice to the hard times. That can say, without apology, that being a parent can really suck a lot of the time.
And maybe that's why I'm here again.
Not because I've figured motherhood out. Not because my children have reached some magical age where everything is easier. Not because I suddenly have more time. I definitely do not have more time.
I'm here because I have language for something I was experiencing all along. Matrescence tells us that becoming a mother isn't a single event. It isn't the moment a baby is placed in your arms. It's an ongoing process of transformation.
For years I thought I was trying to get back to who I was before children. But maybe the point was never to go back. Maybe the point is about to become someone new.
This version of me is a mother. She loves deeply. She tries her best. She puts the boys first most of the time. But she's also a woman with interests, opinions, ambitions, and frustrations. She's tired, often overwhelmed, occasionally yells too much, and still wonders whether she's doing any of this right. But she's here. I'm here.
Good Night Mom started as a place to document my entrance into motherhood. Maybe now it can become a place to explore what comes after. To continue exploring the messy, complicated, beautiful process of growing alongside my children.
Six years in, I think I'm still in matrescence.
Maybe that's not a problem to solve.
Maybe that's the point.
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